Memory Struggle

I have had problems with memory for years. Sometimes I can remember something down to the smallest detail, and it stays with me forever. Then there are the memories that fade as soon as they are created, locked away for what seems like eternity without any dust being disturbed. It got irritating to me, to remember something so vividly from childhood that didn’t actually matter or have any tangible significance. Yet not be able to recall the name that was just told to me 5 times in the same amount of time, or remember the important conversation that I had two days ago that I need to reflect upon.

As time went on, and I got older, the frustration grew. I did whatever I could to try and make memories stick, to be able to train my brain to log and keep all the information. But what are you to do when you don’t have a camera? It seemed like nothing was working. No matter how hard I tried to memorize faces, names, moments in time that I wanted to cherish. It seemed fruitless, my brain only retaining what it wanted to. Then one day I had been gifted an ornament for Christmas. It was given to me as we put the tree up and started decorating. A crystal humming bird from my grandmother, It was beautiful. Instead of putting it on the tree right away, I carried it around, holding it like I would lose it forever if I placed it down for a second. By the end of the night I finally relinquished it to the tree and marveled at how it sparkled in the lights. The memory never left me, nor that ornament. I can think back on the day with fondness at any time, but when I hold the ornament, I relive the moment vividly, and it makes me smile.

From that point on I began to use physical objects to help me hold memory. I would pour my thoughts and feeling into those objects, feeling like I would leave little pieces of time locked away inside them. Doing so I could touch objects throughout my home and experience a walk down memory lane for anything I wanted. As happy as it made me to be able to do it, it also had a lot of problems. As time goes on a house can get cluttered, items can break, and moving makes it hard to take everything with you. Items need to be let go. But when I pick them up, I feel the memories and relive them one by one, making it harder to let go of the item. A fear set in, what if I get rid of the item and the memory goes with it. I won’t be able to access it or enjoy it anymore. I didn’t want to become a pack rat, and I wanted to be able to make room for new. Something had to be done.

There are still some objects that I will never relinquish, ones that I can never bring myself to get rid of. A key, a special stone, a butterfly charm, a ring. These objects bring many memories, not just one. There are other senses that can be associated with them, but the physical object brings back so many thoughts and feelings that I would rather have the object to touch to be able to sort through them all. I want to be able to access these on demand, so I can continue to learn from the memories, not just think on them fondly.

Despite the anxiety of letting objects go, I manage to do so over and over. You know what I found? I may not have been able to access the memory on demand anymore, but it still existed. I could still recall them with a little conversational coaxing, or by a smell or song. It wasn’t actually storing memories in the objects, I just focused so intently and associated a memory with something, and it would be locked in. Now as I raise my daughter and watch her grow, I know I’m going to want to remember things as much as possible. Anytime I’m in a moment that I know I will want to remember, I use me senses. What do I hear as this moment is happening, what do I smell? The rock song on the radio or the smell of my partners’ cologne anchor in. What do I see in the little eyes staring back at me, how do I feel smiling down at her? My reflection in her green blue eyes smiles back with warmth and a light that radiates through my soul. Its these little associations that will help me remember what I want to. It may not always be when I want to remember it, and may drift in and out, but those associations will help bring it back again. That song, the cologne, feeling that warmth in my chest, seeing that spark of happiness reflecting, all can be a positive trigger to bring back precious moments.

For now that is enough, to be able to retain what I can without being afraid to let go of objects and keep pushing forward. To work with my brain and do what I can for my memory. Each step I take may be difficult, and it may not always work. But I feel that I will at least be able to hold on to more than I used to. To me that is worth it, for my daughter, so I can recall her younger times when she is older, and for myself, so I can relive my life in the future.