Losing Sleep

When I got pregnant with my daughter I was warned that I should get what sleep I can, while I can. Other moms and my doctors kept repeating the same thing. That once the baby came, 8 hours a night would be a fond memory. I knew they were right, but I didn’t realize how right they were. As the months of pregnancy went on, I began to feel really run down. Napped as often as I could, got what sleep I could at night but still felt like it wasn’t enough. I felt sluggish and run down. I thought that would be the worst of it. Once the baby came those naps and full nights of sleep were a distant memory.

Between feedings, diaper changes, tummy time, more feedings, stretches, and doctor’s appointments, sleep came in scraps. The first few weeks, I was lucky if I got three hours of sleep a night. The baby was cluster feeding and I could only manage to get sleep in 15-20 minute intervals. During the day I felt like I was walking around in a constant haze, my mind constantly working on over drive while my body wanted to crumple into a ball and hibernate for a month straight. My partner helped me where he could, tidying the house, nighttime bottle feedings, watching the baby as I grabbed a shower or tried to catch a nap. But even with that, it didn’t feel like enough. My body was healing, it still is, but without the proper rest, it felt like I just couldn’t keep up with anything.

Here I am three months later and there are times it still feels that way. She is a full formula baby since I couldn’t produce enough to keep up with her appetite at all. This helps quite a bit because I can make bottles up a head of time and heat them as needed, this is also a setback at times because I can’t pick her up and feed her instantly like she wants. Thankfully the baby’s sleep schedule has increased, so she manages to get 4-5 hour intervals, which should mean that I could do the same right? I wish. Despite having more time that she is sleeping, I find my mind doesn’t like turning off. It constantly runs with the amount of events that happened during the day, what has to happen tomorrow, her appointments and milestones, it all floods at once as soon as my head hits the pillow. If it isn’t those thoughts, it’s if the baby is okay. When she is out cold, she is almost completely silent, her body barely shifting as she snoozes. She gets so quiet that I find myself reaching out to feel if her chest is rising and falling. Once I feel that she is moving, I am able to relax and nod off myself, only to wake up two hours later to repeat the process.

I know some of this is happening do to the anxiety of her being my first full term, some of it comes from not wanting to be a bad mom, and the last of it comes from fear of the unknown. Life is crazy and constantly shifting, pulling the rug out from under your feet when you already have uneven footing. I cherish my daughter and every amount of time that I share with her. I wouldn’t give it up for the world. But outside pressures also overlay with that time. Finding a new job that can help me balance home life and work life, trying to get set routines for myself and for my daughter, trying to take care of my body and give it time to heal while also being active with the baby to help her grow. A lot of times it seems tasks are constantly trying to combat each other. All this seems to chip away at you, mind, body, and soul. It pops up the most at bedtime.

This is one of the many things that I have to learn to balance, to adapt and move forward. To grow as my daughter grows, and try to do so in as healthy of a manner as I can. For now, I will do what I can, get what sleep I can and try my best to push the anxiety thoughts to the side. To allow myself to rest, to sleep as my daughter sleeps. I’ll use what tips and tricks I have learned along the way and use my time to the best of my ability, both during the day and night. It may be goodbye to sleep for now, but it won’t always be that way. As she grows I will be able to sleep again. It may not be anytime soon, but that’s okay. I will take the sleep I get and save my energy for what is needed that day, and save the rest for the next. It may be small shifts, but something is better than nothing. And some sleep is better than not at all.