In life, many things are gone as time moves forward. Memories are replaced with new ones, leaving old to be lost in the fog. Friends come and go, drifting in and out of our lives like the seasons. It’s true some stick around but not everyone we encounter stays for long. Loved ones are taken with age, no one can live forever. It always hurts to say goodbye no matter the situation.
I have experienced these losses, watched as bonds I thought to be endlessly strong, broke one by one. Some went easily, a quick snap like a broken string and the person disappeared. Others were like a fraying rope, slow and painful. With each unfurling string, growing a little bit weaker until there was nothing to hold. Distant memories drifting out of focus. No matter how it happened, each loss still leaving a mark that would fade in time, but never truly heal.
Deaths were always the hardest for me. One moment someone is there, and then they aren’t. You go to pick up a phone or send a message and realize there isn’t a point, you wouldn’t get an answer. Then there are the ones that it seems you can’t talk about. The deaths that fall under taboos. Cancer, mental illness, miscarriage. The deaths that no one is willing to truly talk about. I have had to deal with plenty of these. From family members that have fought the long fight to cancer, to 2 years ago dealing with having a miscarriage. I was 5 months along and due to what was found to be a weak cervix, I lost my first little girl. We had just picked out a name, and I was so excited, but it wasn’t meant to be. I got rocked, hard. The loss weighing so heavy on my mind and body. The pain of having to let go of a life that hadn’t gotten the full chance to start. I mourned what was, and what could have been. As did my partner.
As time went on, it got easier for him. He was able to step above the pain and try to find himself a new, but for a long time I was not. I let myself wallow, to mourn so deeply that I never thought I could feel true happiness again. I pushed people away, severed more bonds on my end, so I didn’t have to be reminded of having to say goodbye so soon. Let myself miss out on opportunities to grow or give myself the chance to smile again. I created strain and sadness, far more than I even imagined, focusing on my own pain. I hurt those around me because I was hurting, and it’s something I will never fully forgive myself for.
It wasn’t until a year and a half later when I found out that I was pregnant again, that I actually let myself smile for the first time and fully meant it. I still mourned for my first and dreaded the idea of losing my second, becoming overly afraid of the “What If’s”. But I still had hope for a new life, a new beginning, and new chance to love and grow. Now that my daughter is 2 months old, and her little chubby cheeks smile at me, I still find myself thinking of my previous lose. What would it have been like if my daughter had her sister? How would they have been together? When you lose like that, it never truly leaves you. You have to learn to live with it, walk with it, and grow from it. To be better in some way from the loss. It will still hurt, with time it may become so small that you barely even notice it. But for me, it will still be there.
Now that I look back, my first isn’t the only one I mourned for. I mourn for the relationships I lost along the way of my pain. The friendships that should have had so much more time left to them. The bonds that frayed so havocally that they can’t be mended, no matter how you try, you can’t get them back. But even though it all hurts, that in itself is a learning experience. And understanding that pain and loss shouldn’t hang over your head. You shouldn’t let it define you, because in the long run it will ruin you. You have to grow from it, strive to move beyond it, and there you will find happiness again. It takes time, and so much effort that sometimes you want to give up. But you can’t. You shouldn’t give in, because you won’t be the only one to suffer.
When I look down at my daughter I do think about what could have been, but I also think about who she could be. About her future and her growth. The journey that she will have to go through, the losses that she will have to withstand. I know she will feel pain, but she will also feel love, happiness and understanding. And I have come to understand that I won’t see any of that unless I am able to stand above my losses and push forward. To stop holding on to something that I had no real control over at the time, and take the initiative to grasp what I do have and keep moving. Sometimes you have to deal with the hardest part, and actually say goodbye.
A Day in the Life 