A Day in the Life

Tag: parenting

  • Lights Out

    A few weeks ago, my neighborhood was hit by some terrible storms. Thrashing wind, walls of rain, flooding, and power outages raged the town. We were very fortunate to not experience any lives lost, but the surrounding areas were plunged into darkness for days, some areas being out for the better part of a week. All this in the middle of a heat wave. A not so great combo when you have small children and elderly parents all under one roof.

    When the storm hit, we were trying to batten down the hatches around our property to try and ensure nothing went flying into the neighbors houses. In the middle of doing that, the wind hit. Strong enough to try and topple full-grown adults to the ground. Then in a mad rush to finish our tasks, the rain hit. And it didn’t just sweep in quietly, it rushed in. The rain pelted any surface it hit, slamming down in walls of water that made it hard to see two feet in front of you, let alone the neighboring houses. We rushed inside, drenched to the bone and ready to settle in for the long hall. Then we started hearing loud booms across the neighborhood, after one of the booms the lights flickered. Once, twice, and then they were down for the count.

    We tried calling the electric company, none too successfully. There was an automated message that said “Thank you for reaching out, we are aware of the power outages and are doing our best to send our team to fix them. Expect the lights to return by the end of the week.” We all looked at one another. My parents and I weren’t overly concerned, we had been through similar things when I was younger. My daughter was with her dad for the day, we had coolers and Ice bags on hand so we could have access to food without opening the freezer or fridge. We had board games, books, battery powered lamps and fans, among other things to keep ourselves cool and occupied. My younger sibling however, hadn’t really been through anything like this before. He started freaking out. Asking what we were going to do, saying we should spam call places to get things fixed, and running around the house trying to find something that could fix our situation.

    We explained that we shouldn’t use our phones unless for emergencies to preserve the battery life, and spam calling places would only end up irritating companies and answering services. They had enough on their hands at the moment and didn’t need spam calls from one family. My dad and I set to going and collecting flashlights and lamps, gathering the board games and such as my mom prepared the coolers. Dad ran to a store that still had power due to a back-up generator and grabbed small bites and drinks for the coolers, and like that we had supplies. My younger sibling, sat on the couch and pouted about our situation. He didn’t understand how we could entertain ourselves or “be able to survive without power”. That gave me a good chuckle. I told him we had supplies, still had running water and hot water since the pilot on the water heater was still going strong, and had books or games to keep ourselves busy. Their response was priceless. “We don’t have games; we don’t have power”. . . Acting like video games were the only games that existed. My parents and I had a good laugh, pulled out Yahtzee and told him to sit down and breathe, that we’d get through it as a family. They were skeptical to say the least.

    It was surprising to see just how dependent on electricity my younger sibling was. They kept trying to ask Alexa what time it was, or asking his phone how to play Yahtzee, instead of using the analog clock or the directions pamphlet to aid them. The rain continued to throttle the neighborhood but in time and with the game going, we lost track of the storm and when it actually had stopped. But once the game was done, we realized so was the rain, for now anyway. My mom and I took that time to do what we usually did in these situations, check on the neighbors. We knew some trees had been downed and the wind had done some damage on surrounding houses so we proceeded with caution, but it was still our duty (or so we told ourselves) to check in with the elderly and any friends nearby. On our walk we were meet with different reactions. Some thankful for the check in and the care of thought, others gave a shrug and said it’s nothing they hadn’t been through before. But what I saw on our walk brought a genuine smile to my face.

    Parents using the break in the weather to get their kids out of the house in any way they could. There were families walking, bike riding, doing the same as my mom and I. Some kids were still craving their video games and TV, others happy to not be so cooped up. Same with the parents. Some seemed to be at their wits end, telling their kids to keep walking to burn energy and time, that the power wasn’t coming on anytime soon and to get used to it, other parents just trying to go with the flow and make their lives as easy as possible given the situation. But despite it all, I saw a community coming together to help support one another. Talk across yards, check in with their elderly neighbors, exchange generators back and forth, so fridges didn’t go to long without running, even having meet ups to BBQ together and have the kids interact with one another. Despite the circumstances, and whether the people truly knew each other or not, I watched as strangers became friends, and friends became closer to family. Interaction was key, and it was enough to help people through the darkness.

    The next day, the power was still out, but we were able to kill some time by going to pick up my daughter, and spending some time with family friends that were lucky enough to have their power back already. We did another round of check ins with neighbors, made sure people were still doing okay. By the time we got back home, we walked back in the door and the lights flickered again, once, twice, and they were back on. Over the course of the next few days, we still kept checking in with some people, just because my block got power back, didn’t mean the whole neighborhood did. Transformers would get surges and go back out again. This went on for a week, but once we were all back in the light, something magical had come out of the dark. The families and neighbors that had been checking in on one another through the ordeal, kept up with it after the fact. Days after the power outages, I saw families that never used to talk to each other, conversing across their yards, kids playing with other children they hadn’t before, parents and kids alike having play dates.

    It seems like people remembered what it was like before video games reigned supreme, and the TV took command of the family. In the last few decades we let electric powered things dictate our lives, but when it comes down to it, we as creatures crave interaction. For my neighborhood, it took a power outage to make us realize that and act on it. It took the loss of power to bring a community back together again. Don’t let it be that way for you. It shouldn’t take the Lights going out for you to care about other people. Heat waves can still cause problems, so can a storm in general. There were many states affected by these storms, floods that claimed hundreds of lives, tornadoes that took down entire cities. In these events technology failed, but humanity didn’t. People helped one another, saved one another, had compassion for each other. Listen, check in, Act. Be the change in communities that you want to see.

  • Growing Pains

    Time is such an odd concept. When I was younger I wanted to grow up as soon as possible so I could do the cool things adults got to do. Get to go out and drive when ever they want, spend money on what you want, when you want to. There can be some days I feel like I did when I was a teenager, lost and wondering how I would handle it all. Other days I wake up remembering I am a 33-year-old woman with bills, a 4-month-old daughter, and bad knees. Life is funny like that, though I had to at least do something right to make it this far.

    Not that it has been easy, looking back it hasn’t been easy in the least. Memories of great times alongside the lowest of lows all colliding together to stitch the story that is my life up to this point. There were things I wish that I had the chance to say, ones that I wish I hadn’t said at all, and actions that may have turned out better if I had at least tried. Do I regret it? Some of the times yes, but I wouldn’t change a single one if it meant that it would lead to what I have in my life right now. It may not be much but my daughters bright smile is worth every low point I ever had. I wouldn’t trade that for the world.

    Watching her grow is a blessing, but in and of itself is odd. She is growing so quickly it feels like if I blink I might miss something. I look at her and see my little baby girl, and I know I will always see her that way, but in the same token it’s funny how growth changes. As I said, I look at her, and she seems so small, but when family and friends visit they always say “Look how big she is getting”, and I have to do a double take. She is growing, but to me, she is still tiny. Then I go out shopping for clothes or formula and see other mamas and their babies that are 10+ months and realize my daughter is the size of them if not bigger. Not to mention she is in 3-6 month size clothing even some solely 6 month size, and 6-9 month size shoes. At 4 months old. She really is a big baby, not in a bad way, she is healthy and growing. To be fair she was a little over 8lbs when she was born. Also helps that I am a little above average height for a woman, and her dad is 6ft tall. All in all it’s not surprising that she would be on the bigger side.

    But it still is so odd of a concept to me. In most cases she seems small, and then I see other babies her age and I realize, nope, my daughter dwarfs them. She is already trying to push herself up on to her knees while she is on tummy time (her least favorite parts of the day) and is trying to figure out rolling. It’s so exciting to experience, and it makes me so happy at the amount of effort that she puts in. I can’t wait for her to start moving, I know once she starts she will be a roaming menace that I will have to keep chasing after, but I feel like most parents deal with that back and forth. We want what is best for our kids and to watch them hit milestones, but once they hit that marker we get sad because that milestone is done, and we can’t get that time back.

    As a kid I wanted time to speed up to do all these events and tasks, and now that I’m older I want time to slow. I wish I could press a pause button and keep my daughter at 4 months for as long as possible and savor every second while she is small. She is growing at such a rapid rate that I blink, and a week has flashed by like nothing. We spend most of our lives trying to rush through life, and now I just want it to stop. I want to enjoy everything I can, but there doesn’t seem to be enough time in a day to enjoy as much as I would like to, to have my daughter experience as much as possible before she outgrows it. The real tight rope of time and how we want to spend it.

  • Times Change

    I was born in the early 90s. Growing up we drank from hoses, ran around all day in the summer and curfew was when the streetlights came on. You knew where all your friends were by the bikes piled together on front lawns, and the way to call a friend was calling the house phone and praying a parent wasn’t on it already. There are a lot of moments I miss about those times, they seemed simpler. My parents did what they could to raise two children that never liked to stay in one spot for long. We visit museums, parks and playgrounds, and historical sites, that way we were at least learning while we had our fun. They instilled manners, the need for communication, and how to be as civilized as possible.

    When I was a teenager I went from being the youngest child, to being the middle child. When my younger sibling was born, a lot in the house changed. Change wasn’t a bad thing, but it all was new to me. My mom needed extra help with the baby and I happily obliged, knowing that in the long run I would be helping to raise a life, as well as get some practice in for the children I wanted when I grew up. It ended up being beneficial all around, but as my sibling got older, I started running into some complications. “You never let us get away with that when we were there age.” Became a constant statement from me. I understood that they were the baby of the family, but there were situations that my parents let slide that my older sibling and I would have gotten in trouble for. Talking back all the time, major tantrums, among other things. We would have been placed in time out in a hot minute, but my parents seemed to let it go. When I asked I tended to get the answer “Well times are different now, this is parenting. It may not be what you are used to, but they will be okay”.

    They were right in the long run, mostly, but it still was odd to see everything so different. How emotions and communication were handled, or ignored. How outside play time was exchanged for staying inside all day with video games, TV, and whatever other electronics my sibling could get there hands on. Technology isn’t a bad thing, but I wanted the kid to get some sunshine. My parents did try, don’t get me wrong. They tried instilling a love of nature and respect for the world outside the house, it didn’t seem to take, nor did my younger sibling didn’t care about it. I moved in with my partner when my younger sibling was about 7 years old, went a state away and would visit when I could. But between my and my partners jobs, it became difficult to visit as often as I wanted.

    I would still hear about my sibling and how they were doing, how they were growing into a preteen and all the problems that came with that. Every preteen to teenager can be a handful, but my mom would call me for advice on occasion because even she felt like she was out of her element. “You’ve raised two kids already and went through this, why is this any different?” I would ask, thinking it would be cut and dry like when I was younger. “Well times are different.” She’d answer, oh, that line again. But this part stuck with me “I can’t handle these things the way that I did with you guys, I could be labeled a bad parent.” Wait. . . What? What was wrong with telling your kid that what they did was wrong, putting them in time out or grounding them? How is that being a bad parent? Looking back on my childhood, none of the ways my parents raised us ever came across as being bad. They were teaching us how to be better people, how to be ready for the world outside our little home. But apparently in the 2010s all that translated to being too harsh on your child, or being over reactive. It all made me think about what I would do if/when I became a parent.

    This year, I did that, I became a mom. On top of that, due to unforeseen circumstances, I had to move back in with my parents. I needed help with the baby, among other things, and was grateful to their welcoming arms. My younger sibling is now 17, almost an adult, and once again, everything was new to me. I had been away for almost 10 years, and in doing so, had to hear second hand about everything. Now being home and being front and center with it all was a whole different ball game. “I would have gotten grounded for that” is a new repeated saying. I thought I had attitude when I was a teenager, but they blow me out of the water. I expected the usual statement. That times are different now, but I didn’t. My mom and dad would give a small smile and say “I know. We are doing what we can.” And it hit me. Years of trying to be ‘good parents’ by the new standards had made them lax in ways that they didn’t want to be. That being afraid of not keeping up with the times would make them a bad parent. But in turn, it made it harder to be the good parent. Trying to be gentler and and following along with new standards had dulled instincts, and made it more difficult to wrangle in a dramatic and overly stimulated teenager.

    As a group we have been working together. I remind my parents of the values that they raised us on, and help them to try and use that with the teachings of now. I work as a buffer between my sibling and them as well, defusing situations for either side. Sometimes I am on my parents side, reminding my sibling how much is done for them and how much they take for granted. Sometimes I am on their side, helping to explain something calmer, or to break down thought processes to my parents. It’s a constant back and forth, but one that we are starting to find common ground for in the process.

    Being on the outside for so long, had given me a different perspective, but also made me think about what I want to do as a mom. Looking at my baby girl, I think about what kind of parent I want to be. I want to be gentle when I can, but stern when it’s needed, I want to instill that my daughter can express herself and her emotions, but that she also needs to communicate those emotions properly. I understand every kid and teenager can catch attitude, and to an extent it will be allowed, but attitude with cruelty will not be tolerated. Likewise, I want my daughter to be independent and have an understanding of the world around her, but I also want her to know that she can come to me for help whenever she needs it. I want to combine the values of now while incorporating some of the teachings and values that I was raised on. It’s like walking a tight rope. I may stumble a few times, even lose my balance, but in the long run I don’t want to lose sight of my goal. To raise my daughter to be the best she can be, and do the best that I can.

  • Losing Sleep

    When I got pregnant with my daughter I was warned that I should get what sleep I can, while I can. Other moms and my doctors kept repeating the same thing. That once the baby came, 8 hours a night would be a fond memory. I knew they were right, but I didn’t realize how right they were. As the months of pregnancy went on, I began to feel really run down. Napped as often as I could, got what sleep I could at night but still felt like it wasn’t enough. I felt sluggish and run down. I thought that would be the worst of it. Once the baby came those naps and full nights of sleep were a distant memory.

    Between feedings, diaper changes, tummy time, more feedings, stretches, and doctor’s appointments, sleep came in scraps. The first few weeks, I was lucky if I got three hours of sleep a night. The baby was cluster feeding and I could only manage to get sleep in 15-20 minute intervals. During the day I felt like I was walking around in a constant haze, my mind constantly working on over drive while my body wanted to crumple into a ball and hibernate for a month straight. My partner helped me where he could, tidying the house, nighttime bottle feedings, watching the baby as I grabbed a shower or tried to catch a nap. But even with that, it didn’t feel like enough. My body was healing, it still is, but without the proper rest, it felt like I just couldn’t keep up with anything.

    Here I am three months later and there are times it still feels that way. She is a full formula baby since I couldn’t produce enough to keep up with her appetite at all. This helps quite a bit because I can make bottles up a head of time and heat them as needed, this is also a setback at times because I can’t pick her up and feed her instantly like she wants. Thankfully the baby’s sleep schedule has increased, so she manages to get 4-5 hour intervals, which should mean that I could do the same right? I wish. Despite having more time that she is sleeping, I find my mind doesn’t like turning off. It constantly runs with the amount of events that happened during the day, what has to happen tomorrow, her appointments and milestones, it all floods at once as soon as my head hits the pillow. If it isn’t those thoughts, it’s if the baby is okay. When she is out cold, she is almost completely silent, her body barely shifting as she snoozes. She gets so quiet that I find myself reaching out to feel if her chest is rising and falling. Once I feel that she is moving, I am able to relax and nod off myself, only to wake up two hours later to repeat the process.

    I know some of this is happening do to the anxiety of her being my first full term, some of it comes from not wanting to be a bad mom, and the last of it comes from fear of the unknown. Life is crazy and constantly shifting, pulling the rug out from under your feet when you already have uneven footing. I cherish my daughter and every amount of time that I share with her. I wouldn’t give it up for the world. But outside pressures also overlay with that time. Finding a new job that can help me balance home life and work life, trying to get set routines for myself and for my daughter, trying to take care of my body and give it time to heal while also being active with the baby to help her grow. A lot of times it seems tasks are constantly trying to combat each other. All this seems to chip away at you, mind, body, and soul. It pops up the most at bedtime.

    This is one of the many things that I have to learn to balance, to adapt and move forward. To grow as my daughter grows, and try to do so in as healthy of a manner as I can. For now, I will do what I can, get what sleep I can and try my best to push the anxiety thoughts to the side. To allow myself to rest, to sleep as my daughter sleeps. I’ll use what tips and tricks I have learned along the way and use my time to the best of my ability, both during the day and night. It may be goodbye to sleep for now, but it won’t always be that way. As she grows I will be able to sleep again. It may not be anytime soon, but that’s okay. I will take the sleep I get and save my energy for what is needed that day, and save the rest for the next. It may be small shifts, but something is better than nothing. And some sleep is better than not at all.

  • The Bonds That Matter

    When you bring a child into the world, there are many different things that you will go through. From getting used to the child and their own quirks, finding a rhythm and balance of routines, to trying to regain your own sense of self. One of the things I found to be the hardest though, is keeping and managing the relationships with the people around me. It’s something you wouldn’t think you have to have a full grasp on, but it’s quintessential in the learning curve. The term “It takes a village to raise a child” is very true, especially if you want to keep a firm grasp on reality. But it means nothing unless you truly have a village at your back. To be able to have that, you have to find the balance of interacting with the ones you love and respect.

    When you are sleep-deprived, baby brained, and hating the way you feel and look, the last thing you want to do is interact with anyone outside your immediate household. Speaking from experience there. Many times people would want to visit, to see us and interact with our daughter, and many times I just wanted to skip out. I was tired. My brain felt like walking in a constant fog, and sometimes it still does. I hated the way that I felt in my own skin, and I didn’t like the thought of having to put on “real clothes” and entertain people, when I’d much rather sit in bed and cuddle my daughter. But to deny her family and our friends from being able to interact with her, could also cause some major backlash that I wasn’t fully prepared for.

    I constantly felt ragged and run down, but felt guilty for saying “No” or turning people away. Family members have the right to see the baby, as do friends. I just didn’t feel like keeping up appearances. People will tell you “you’re new parents, it doesn’t matter what you look like, we just want to see you” but my partner and I still felt the need to run around and tidy up the house before people came over. Or at least felt the need to apologize for the state of the house or ourselves as soon as someone walked in the door. More often then not there were only a few dishes in the sink, or laundry half folded on the table. Minor things that most people would look over and not care about. Most of the time people were only stopping by for a few minutes, just to say “hello, how are you? The baby is beautiful” and then head on their way. But sadly it all just felt like one more chore to add to the list. As time went on, I wanted to deal with it less and less. But in doing so, it also added more weight and strain to our already heavy shoulders.

    There were a few people in particular that I found it easier to interact with. My and my partners parents being some, because they had dealt with kids and parenting already, so they knew the ins and outs, and we were able to get things done while they were interacting with our daughter. Errands could be run, chores could get handled, this was also time that we could use to take a moment and breathe. My best friend was another that allowed this. My home was my rock, my stable place, and She was another that allowed me to feel stable. Without her there were times I would have mentally and physically lost my marbles.

    These people are the ones that made me realize what “it takes a village” actually meant. They were the people that truly had your back and could help you manage the weight of being a new parent. They didn’t care about mess, or what you wore, they just wanted you happy and healthy. These were the relationships that didn’t take strain or fussing, and it was a relief to have them. That’s not to say that they didn’t take work still, because they did. They still do. It takes checking in, and vocalizing feelings and intent. But these are also the relationships that don’t make you feel guilty for saying “No”. They take it in stride and say “okay, maybe next time” and move on, because they know you are tired, and running yourself thin. They know your brain and don’t want to add on to the fog of it.

    These bonds don’t add extra weight to your life, they try to carry it with you. Likewise, they don’t criticize for what you haven’t done, but offer to help get it done, or give you the time to do it. They are your village, the ones that have your backs and want to watch you thrive, not just placate society standards and move on. These are also the people that know and understand you are overwhelmed with new and learning things every day, so they check in first instead of waiting for you to reach out. They are the ones that love, and they should be cherished at all costs. Because there will come a time when all seems run down and bleak, like you can’t keep your head above water, and these people will be the ones plunging into the waters to bring you up for air. They will be your life raft. They are the bonds that matter.